♪ SOPHIYA: "White Ivory"
(STEVIE SIGHS)
Come on, Stevie Ray. You got this.
- Go time, darl? - Yes.
We're gonna start this driving test when you're ready.
Put that I look good.
EXAMINER: Stop!
(TYRES SCREECH)
That's new, I think.
- First one's for free. - OK.
What the fuck?
You just hit me, you bloody idiot!
Learn to drive properly!
Fuck!
STEVIE: I'm so sorry!
You didn't see that pedestrian.
You didn't see that fucking clown?!
We've gotta head back now.
(HORN BLARES) STEVIE: Go around!
(HORN BLARES) STEVIE: Fuck off! Fuck off!
It was unfair conditions.
Safe driving is about reaction, not distraction.
If it'd been a clown on a unicycle
or a dozen clowns in a tiny car, fine,
but a clown in a ute?
Y... You have to let me take the test again.
- Absolutely. - Good.
- In seven days. - Seven days?!
The Bilby won't be there in seven days.
Please, my dad failed me...
..don't let Roads and Transport fail me, too.
(BELL DINGS) - Next!
A clown in a ute!
In what world is that not distracting?!
Fuck!
"Fresh Az Carpets".
I'll message him on Facey now.
"Hey, fuckwits, how about not letting a clown
"drive your fucking ute?!"
(SIGHS)
What are you doing today?
Promo interviews.
Answering a million questions about being cheated on,
whilst feeling like the world's biggest fucking hypocrite.
Are you gonna tell Charlie
about what happened with Miranda?
I don't know.
I feel sick just thinking about it.
We talked about long-distance this morning.
Guilt has a passport, AJ.
It just follows you wherever you go.
Not telling you about Liv and Henry,
that is just my number-one regret.
Don't make the same mistake I did.
(PHONE CHIMES) - What?
This clown motherfucker
did not just give me a one emoji response?
Oh, my God!
Game on, bitch!
Hi. My name's Ricky.
I was just wondering, I know it's late notice...
The little guy's having a birthday.
Is there a clown available for a party?
Yeah, he's six.
Oh, my God, you're free! That is so good.
OK.
Steve, congratulations!
We are sad to leave, but happy for your licence.
We wrote a song for you. Let's go, boys.
(ALL SING IN PORTUGUESE)
We found something of yours when we were cleaning up.
- It's inside. - Sure.
Thanks, guys. Bon voyage.
Thank you.
(DEZZY APPLAUDS)
DEZZY: Good show, lads!
Yeah, spewing the stakeout's over, eh?
Where to next?
21 Jump Street? (CHUCKLES)
(SPEAKS PORTUGUESE)
You fucking narcs!
STEVIE: What the...
MAN: So, what is mediation?
Mediation is about identifying a resolution
that's important to you.
So, it's in our best interest, during the session,
to come to a resolution.
However, we cannot start the mediation
- with a baby in the room. - Look, Liz... Liv...
..we're all adults, let's just pretend he's not here.
What exactly do you want from us?
- From you? MIRANDA: Yeah.
In a perfect world, how would this all turn out for you?
Well, this show would go away and I would get my life back.
Knowing this show is coming out, I-I'm not sleeping.
The other day, two of the women in my mothers group,
they were talking about how excited they were to watch it,
and I... I genuinely felt sick to my stomach.
- Really? - Yes.
Aw, Liv, that's awful.
Do you know how they heard about the show?
I told you the bus shelters were a good idea.
We really can't proceed under these conditions.
Oh, let the woman breastfeed, for God's sake.
Oh, they're a handful, aren't they?
- Do you have kids? - Mm. Yeah, three.
And a beautiful husband.
So, trust me, I do understand the pressures.
Mediation requires the focus of all participants.
MIRANDA: Right, right, right. Just one sec.
So, you have no basis for a claim, is that right?
Well, no, but my lawyer has advised
that if I'm not shown a version before broadcast,
I can sue for defamation after the fact.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We can send her a copy.
I don't know who is advising you,
but I have been through this all before
and those lawyers are so full of shit
that they would overflow a nappy.
Seriously, believe me, don't waste your time
or your money.
Come on, we've got a show to promote.
(SCOFFS)
♪ HOODZY: "Young Girl Steez"
CLOWN: Hello?
Am I in the right place?
I thought there was a kid's party here?
STEVIE: No, there's a party.
Here's the jumping castle,
here's the fucking lolly bags.
How many drivers did you distract on your way here today
- in that clown get-up? - What am I supposed to do?
I have to get to work somehow.
Not in a ute. Not in a ute!
- I could call the cops on you. - (SCOFFS)
I should call the cops on you.
I was on my way to a hospital just now
to cheer up some sick kids, I came here instead.
I was gonna use the money
to pay for my dog's cataract operation.
I should've known. (SCOFFS)
Nobody books a kid's party on a school day.
I'm... such a fucking idiot.
Oh, no...
Go easy on yourself.
You're alright. No, no.
I'll pay you. (CHUCKLES)
I just thought that you should know
that getting between your hospitals like that, you know,
it's not cool... in the ute.
So... just saying, you could hurt people.
That's all.
What am I supposed to do now?
You've booked me for two hours.
(DING)
H27.
That's us.
'Sup? Stevie from this morning.
EXAMINER: Did I say seven days or seven hours?
I think I said seven days.
Um...
It's actually my fault this woman failed her test.
I-I caused a dangerous distraction,
driving my ute whilst dressed...
..in a uniform.
So, if you wanna book me for that,
I'm happy to cop the whole thing,
but um... y-you need to give her another chance to...
..pass the test.
(BELL DINGS) - Next!
Just wait. Can you wait?
I lost this when I was seven years old.
I woke up to 20 cents under my pillow
and my mum crying at the kitchen table.
The Tooth Fairy took my dad.
The Tooth Fairy was a jewellery designer
from Bankstown Markets named Tonya.
I never knew that he had kept this.
I never knew that he cared...
..to keep this kinda stuff.
I just found it this morning.
But, if you want, I'll give it to you.
I will, I'll give you the tooth,
because that is how much...
..I need my licence...
..right now.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, girl, you did not just come here on a Friday afternoon,
wait in line for 20 minutes
and offer me a goddamn tooth?!
(EXAMINER LAUGHS)
EXAMINER: Ah! - Sorry.
I mean, I've had money, drugs, everything,
but here you are, bribing me
with a stinky old tooth.
(EXAMINER SIGHS)
You gave me a good laugh, girl. I appreciate that.
Hell, maybe I did say seven hours.
Let's get you a licence.
Oh, my God. I really didn't think that would work.
OK, I'm here with AJ Amon, star of the lit new show Cuck,
and we're talking about how much he hates cheaters.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um..
Well, "hate" is a pretty strong word.
We're getting our listeners to call in with their stories,
dealing with unfaithful partners.
Your job, AJ,
is to drag these lying, scumbag, cheaters on air,
call them out for the d-bags that they really are,
and then shoot them out of a cannon into the sun,
in a segment that we are calling...
GRUFF MALE VOICE:Burn, cheaters, burn!
PRESENTER: Before we get started,
is there anything you wanna say to any cheaters out there
who might be listening?
Like, "You should be scared,"
or, "How can you live with yourself?"
- Um... - AJ's gonna get you!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um...
Can I just take two seconds, please?
- Sure. - I need to go to the toilet.
Yeah. Cheers.
(KEYPAD TONES)
(DOOR OPENS)
Oh, my God! What are you doing?!
Do you want everyone to think
we've made the most boring show on earth?
They want me to call Liv a bitch
and drag all these cheaters on air,
and I don't feel right about it, OK?
Not after what happened with us.
"Us"?
AJ, this has nothing to do with your guilt.
Do you think any of this shit is fun for me?
I'm doing this for you!
I'm thinking about telling Charlie what happened.
- Oh... (TOILET FLUSHES)
That's what I think of that idea.
I have kids, AJ. A family.
Don't you dare go casually ruining my life
by offloading your guilt.
If you tell Charlie,
you're not doing it for anyone, except yourself.
Now, get out there and promote your show.
(DOOR OPENS)
Fuck cheaters!
(LAUGHS)
Fuck cheaters. Fuck you, cheaters!
For making you question your-your friends
and your thoughts and all your memories.
You know, making you be like,
"Oh, w-were they flirting at that party on New Year's?"
Or, you know, "Were they fucking on that camping trip
"that we all did at Byron?"
Making you question your sexual health,
making you...
..go and do STI test after STI test
'cause of some shit that they're all doing
behind your back.
Fuck cheaters.
Dousing you in this shame that sticks to you like honey,
but it smells like shit.
Load up that cannon, Rocky.
- Yay! - (AJ LAUGHS)
AJ: Who's the first caller?
You've got this.
(CLEARS THROAT)
- Between you and me... - Yeah?
..I hate clowns.
Big lips, big nose, the afro?
Just 'cause the paint's white
doesn't mean it's not blackface.
This one's pretty hot, though.
Did you notice?
Take a left here.
Hello!
Killed it.
And another left.
Girl, that's called a square!
And you can park anywhere here.
What the fuck? This is where we started.
You forgot that stop sign, didn't you?
The first one's free.
After that, sorry, sis, honest.
Fuck!
ROCKY: That's your show, there.
Your producer's been hounding me for it.
Make sure they know I gave that back to you.
Oh, yeah, I will. She does that.
Hey, thank you so much.
It was really lovely to meet you.
Was it? I was wondering when I'd finally meet you.
- Oh! - You actually went on a date
with a friend of mine.
Odessa.
- (LAUGHS) Oh, yeah. - She's a dancer, yeah?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Blonde hair.
- Yeah, yeah, of course. - You hit her head
and then asked to jerk off?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was uh...
That was... That was...
- That was pretty funny. - Was it funny?
Because it doesn't sound funny. It actually sounds...
It actually sounds fucked.
This is amazing, and you must be really happy.
But you know who I reckon is stoked?
Your ex-girlfriend. She must be thrilled!
She comes across as real.
Whereas you, I don't think you're a good guy.
Not at all.
Anyway, lovely to meet you.
MIRANDA: Thank you. That was wonderful.
ROCKY: Thanks.
Bye.
OK, you ready for the next one?
- Yeah. - Great.
Hold up.
Gotta put a little bit of nitrous in there, too.
Just a little bit of cream on top.
HIGH-PITCHED: Do you think I'm a failure?
Oh, fuck me!
(BOTH LAUGH)
STEVIE: Oh, fuck.
HIGH-PITCHED: Seriously, though,
- do you think I'm a failure? - What? No!
I'm a failure. I am.
I...
I cry... every time I see a seagull.
I don't know why.
You know, I still can't say the word "Vietmanese" properly.
- "Vietmanese". - Nope.
"Vietmanese".
Start with "Vietnam".
So, like, "Ooh, might pop over to Vietnam
"and eat some Vietnamese."
I'm gonna go to Vietnam and maybe eat some "Vietmanese".
- OK. - See? "Vietmanese".
"Vietmanese"! Am I getting it?
- No. Not... - No?
- No. - God.
I don't think you're a failure.
I think you're awesome.
- I normally am. - No, you are.
Look, I better get out of your hair, eh?
Hold up! I've still got you for another half hour.
AJ, ON LAPTOP:My dad wanted me to give mud crabs
- to a guy called Murray. - Hey. Hey.
This is...
This is, like, the final bit.
AJ, ON LAPTOP:I'm just happy to be here.
You managed to turn our pain into profit.
I don't know what you want me to say, AJ.
I just wanted you to see it.
You can get your injunction or whatever.
Thank you.
(CRIES)
Be honest...
- ..what did you uh... - No.
..what did you really think of it?
- I'm not answering. - Go on.
I'm not gonna answer you.
Can you at least give me a good IMDb, like, rating, please?
- Gemma Hoffs! - She wasn't bad.
- I know. - I mean, when she was dressed.
- Oh... - In clothes.
(LIV LAUGHS)
Yeah...
You should probably go, you know,
'cause Henry will be back soon and...
Yeah. Yeah.
Hey um...
..can I ask you something?
Do you ever regret telling me about you and Henry?
It was making me sick, AJ, you know?
It was...
It was making you sick and you just didn't realise it.
I had to tell you.
- (BABY CRIES) - Yeah.
LIV: Shh, shh, shh, shh. - Oh.
- Fuck. - No, no, no, no.
It's non-stop. Come here.
- No, no, no. - Come here.
(CRYING CONTINUES)
Shh.
Can you hold her for a second?
Oh, no, no, I don't think I should do that.
- AJ. - No, I don't...
- AJ! - I don't even know...
It's OK, I'm just gonna grab the sucky.
- I don't... - Have you got her?
- Is this it? - Yes!
Am I doing it?
- Hey. - (BABY CRIES)
Hey, no, no, no. No, no, no, don't cry.
Don't cry, don't cry.
- (CRIES) - You almost looked like me!
(WAILS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
What the fuck are you doing here?
(CRYING CONTINUES)
- This... - Liv!
- No, no, this... - Where is she?
- Liv! - Hey, hey.
- Why are you shouting... - Are you OK?
- Yeah. - You don't leave her with him.
- (CRYING CONTINUES) - I don't want any trouble.
Yeah, you need to leave.
I just wanted to show Liv the show.
Get the fuck out of my house now.
(CRYING STOPS)
LIV: Shh, shh, shh.
I get it now.
What it must've been like for you two to carry that lie.
I get it.
I get how important it is to let the truth out.
And I want you to know...
..that I forgive you.
Thank you, AJ.
You forgive me, do you?
Do you forgive me for all the nights you would have a shower
and we'd fuck on the couch?
LIV: What the fuck? - The one your mother gave you.
Henry!
HENRY: You were pathetic back then, mate,
and you're even more pathetic now.
I mean, you're-you're on billboards everywhere,
doing sad little interviews, and you know why?
I'll tell you why.
- 'Cause of me. - OK, that's enough.
(EXHALES)
The truth does feel great, eh?
(DOOR SLAMS)
(GROANS)
You know when I said you weren't a failure?
That was before I fucked a clown in the back of a caravan.
(LAUGHS)
(BOTH LAUGH)
Oh, yeah.
I've got a party tonight.
Big venture capitalist family in Darling Point.
Bank balances the size of phone numbers.
I think I'm just there to keep the kids away from the cocaine,
but um... anyway, they always give me a plus-one.
Well, actually, I've gotta go
to my friend's premiere tonight.
Yeah... I thought you'd say that.
It was worth a shot.
You know... they reckon you only fail when you stop trying.
You should just go to the Bilby tonight.
Yeah.
There's less cops on the road then.
Prove what you need to prove, then, when you come back,
if you wanna book me for another party, you know...
..I'd really like that.
Yeah, I reckon I'd like that, too.
Cool.
(CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS)
Oh, for God's sake.
I don't know if she's in.
Wow! You look hot!
You should... You should go dressed like that.
- Yeah? - Mm.
What do you think? This OK?
You look amazing.
Thank you.
I'm just gonna come up.
- I got the job. - But...
..you unpacked.
I said no.
I think I just wanted the ego boost.
So... I'm gonna stay here for a bit.
Not to freak you out.
I'm not freaked out.
It's great.
I give up a dream job
that's a two-hour train to Amsterdam,
with a mad, mad beer culture and no lock-out laws,
and all I get is, "great."
I'm really happy.
But there's something that I need to tell you.
I love you.
(SCOFFS)
That's no good.
'Cause I'm pretty sure...
..I love you, too.
Did you see who did that?
STEVIE: And... we're on.
STEVIE: Decent. - (COUGHS)
(COUGHS)
Fucking rusty!
(COUGHS)
- Toast already. - (LAUGHS)
(SIGHS)
How would you feel if I went away for a little while, Dezzy?
What?
I mean, fuck, I've had mates "go away" for a while,
and one of them get shanked
with the sharp end of a toothbrush
and the other one got boiling water poured down his mouth.
I suppose this is different. I've...
I've never, like, you know, had any erm...
..had any love for those eggs.
Are you saying that you love me, Derek?
I don't know. What... What's love, anyway?
It's, like... (CLEARS THROAT)
..chemicals, oxytocin.
There's like, nasal sprays that do that shit for you.
Yeah, I... I feel those chemicals for you.
Huh!
Now, back to the mountains.
Solitude of the Himalayan mountains.
I'm still here.
Check out what I found.
- What? - This little guy.
DEZZY: Ah!
Oh-ho-ho!
Where'd you get this from? Are you seeing someone else?
Ah! Bring on the gurn!
What the fuck?!
What?
What the fuck, man? I was in the Himalayan mountains!
Did you swallow that? Did you swallow that?
Of course I swallowed that.
Get up now. Get it out. Get it out!
- What are you doing? - Get it out, get it out!
- That's my fucking tooth, man! - What the fuck's "tooth"?
Is that, like, K or something? Is that, like, a...
Am I gonna be... How high am I gonna be?
No, it's my fucking baby tooth!
- Vomit. I need you to vomit! - Alright, cool. Yeah.
The energy's getting real fucking weird in here.
No, it's not! Get back here!
- What... - Throw up!
- I need you to throw up! - What are you... Stevie!
Stevie, you'll break a fucking rib!
- Oh! - Fuck, man!
- What are you... - Give me my tooth!
Hey, hey, what are you... Is this 'cause I said I loved you?
No, it's 'cause you swallowed my fucking baby tooth.
It was the only thing that my dad fucking kept of mine!
I swallowed a fucking baby tooth?
Yes. Give me your fingers. We're being cool about this.
- (GAGS) - Get it. Right?
- Drink it, drink it. - (SPLUTTERS)
- Throw up. - (RETCHES)
- That's it. There it is. - (COUGHS)
(WATER SPRAYING)
- Hey. - Hey!
- Is that a tooth? - Yeah. It's my tooth.
Show me your driver's licence, I wanna see your dumb pic.
There you go.
Stevie, this is your Opal card.
By the looks of it, you've used it recently.
You want a dumb picture? Here's a dumb picture.
Because I didn't get my licence,
because I am a big, dumb loser.
Stevie, I mean, you do have a dumb face,
but you're not a loser, OK?
Wait seven days, resit the test.
No, I'm going tonight, under the cloak of darkness.
Mm... That sounds illegal.
I'm just sick of waiting for someone to say it's OK.
There's way less chance I'll get caught at night-time,
so I'm just gonna fuck off.
I'll get to Queensland, I'll book a test there,
and they'll just be so excited
to sit next to a good rig for once,
they'll give me my licence.
Like, everyone in Queensland is so ugly!
I once met a 45-year-old man in Brisbane
who only had his baby teeth.
- Right? - So gross!
They called him Tic Tacs. I don't know...
(LAUGHS)
So wack!
In that case, I'm coming.
- You can't come! - I don't wanna see you
going to jail for driving without a licence.
They'll treat you like a sex toy in there.
What about your show and Charlie?
Are we just running away from our problems?
Yeah, I think we are.
Cool. Just checking.
(ENGINE STARTS)
STEVIE: I just realise I didn't pack anything,
I just left with really good hair
and, like, a new attitude on life and...
AJ: Yeah, but this is Dezzy's car,
there's probably like a giant snap lock bag in the boot
I could make a raincoat out of, or something.
STEVIE: I'm not even wearing a bra.